2020

Originally drafted 1/1/2021

It wasn’t all bad. This year stretched me in ways I didn’t know I could be. I realized a “normal” life is beautiful and what I would give to be able to hop on a plane and go visit my best friend or catch up over a cup of coffee is really heartbreaking. But…. what 2020 did give me what a lot. I got resilience. There was a lot of times I didn’t know where to start, what to do, what the next move was and I did it anyway. Persisting in the face of the unknown has and probably always will be a weakness of mine but in certain cases I’ve created a new super power and taught myself that not knowing is half the fun.

Ive learned a lot about what’s important. I’ve spent more time with my family around our dinner table than in probably the last 5 years combined. We were always so busy with work and the kids sports and planning and doing things that we really didn’t focus on us. That has been so great for our family and so amazing to see our growth

Highlights: Jamaica, Brook got her license and turned 16, Troy graduated, Kaleb got to have almost a full season of baseball and played his last year with Prime, played on the Jr Grays and is now playing for the Renegades with his bestie Carson. We went to Wallace, biked the Hiawatha, visited the Center of the Universe, zip lined, and toured old silver mines. We made the transition to remote working with only a few hiccups. All of our travel plans were cancelled… all sports for the most part were cancelled. Troy started college, Kalebs started Middle School. Brook played volleyball, got covid and got in her first car accident the day before Halloween. We quarantined 3 times this year between September and December and everyone but Kalebs and brook who already had covid got Covid over Thanksgiving. The kids went to Mexico with their Dad and while they were gone (I also had covid) I had one of the hardest weeks mentally that I’ve had almost in my entire life which lead to a resolve to begin therapy again. To top the year off we wound out while we had covid that mike’s company lost their contract that they work on so his job is not secure past the end of the year. We celebrated Christmas with my brother and JD, ate too much, and had my gallbladder removed in the 28th.

Bonus points:

I kept all of my dentist appointments that weren’t rescheduled by covid.

What we do know is 2021 will be an adventure. And best adventures are those traveled together. So here’s to adventure and togetherness in 2021.

The Corona

I’m not going to go into the background or anything really about the virus… only my reality. I packed up my office and had a come apart. I looked at my family pictures on the shelf and thought “should I take these?” “Of course not, I’ll be back soon” “what if I’m not?” “What if my office is frozen here with the date on my calendar and my family pictures and a dirty coffee cup- what if it all at stays here like this forever?”

I went there… I went dark and twisty. Then I loaded up my office plant who only gets coffee for sustenance (and the kind splash of water Charity gives it) and rolled it and my office chair out the door.

So while in the midst of the dark and twisty I decided that my pictures were staying at the office. I have family pictures (I even have those exact ones) at home, but I don’t have a comfy office chair so… for the foreseeable future my office plant, my chair and my threadbare sanity will be working from our makeshift office with a home full of teenaged angst, anxiety, fear and a whole lotta love ❤️

The night you leave

I’ve been doing this for a long time and you’d think after nearly 14 years of spending lonely nights missing worrying about your cough or telling you to go to bed I would be better. I’m not. Every time the emptiness presents itself in a different way. I close your doors to avoid walking in your rooms to not see you there. I find a note you wrote telling me to have a great weekend lose it. I watch The dog show by myself because I know you would be laughing with me. I miss you guys. That’s all. I’ll miss you every time you go to your dads. I’ll miss you when you go to college, when you have a family of your own and then I’ll have more people to miss.

I’m grateful to be your mom. I hope you’re having a good time at Dads and I’ll see you next week 🥰

The Ugliest Boulders make the Prettiest Castles

You all know I haven’t had the best track record in relationships….to say the least. My first husband and I divorced only 6 months after we got married and for the next 15 years our sweet, beautiful and kind daughter has swung in the balance. My 2nd husband and I raised her and had a son together and then we too, divorced.

I take a lot of the blame. We were young, I didn’t know how to pick my battles, how to forgive, how to be trusting and trustworthy and it dissolved. When we were getting divorced we talked… a lot… about how we would raise our kids, who we would let into our lives and the qualities that our forever partners would have. I remember the conversation exactly. I asked him if he wanted to continue to be a part of Brook’s life (she was in the tail end of 1st grade). He said yes. I said this isn’t something that you can decide now then when someone comes into your life that doesn’t understand the relationship between you and Brook that you get to walk away… You’re either out or in… not just for the next 6 months, year, but you’re going to be there when she graduates from college, at her wedding, be grandpa to her children. We cried.  He said “She’s my daughter and whoever is going to be in my life is going to understand that”.  (Her step-mom does… she’s a great mama)

Their relationship gets strained. She feels like she doesn’t belong in her dad’s  family. I remind her that her dad chose her, he chose to be there, to endure WITH her the hardships of a situation that he didn’t create. He CHOSE to be her dad.

I didn’t mean for my kids, my most precious things in the whole world, to endure some of the … poop…. they’ve had to at the hands of my decisions. My hope is that it refines, not defines them, that they use the trials as building blocks instead of stumbling stones.

Have a great week kiddos! We all love you and yes, sometimes two homes are better than one

 

Anxiety and hormones

I’ve always been VERY hormone sensitive. My entire endocrine system is a crazy overreacting (or underfunctioning) mess.

It’s frustrating, but one of the best things that has happened to me is understanding my anxiety and depression. My anxiety is about 75% contained my a mixture of pills and coping skills that I’ve learned through years of therepy. The other 25% Im a mess… Like a complete mess. I avoid the people that I love, obsess over things that I haven’t done (seriously everything from not getting the toilet clean enough to not going to law school) and I worry that while I’m avoiding my kids and partner that I’m permanently scarring them into thinking that I think my life is better without them. So them I subject them to me when I feel like everything that is moving, talking and making noise is a siren blaring in my head so I get angry, over whelmed and emotional and retreat again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

My hormones take this to a whole new level where they add in physical pain and discomfort to the mix. Am an extrovert with severe generalized and social anxiety. I am a conundrum.

So I do what any crazy mom.does on the verge of a no reason break down. I go and sit in silence. I cry in the bathroom then everyone wants to know why. Why? Because I have a mental illness that stays at bay… Until it doesn’t.

Today I fight a battle with myself….

I know that in a logical brain this is nothing, but in mine, it’s constant fear, anxiousness like being on a packed freeway where everyone is going 80 mph but bumper to bumper weaving in and out and I’m the only one noticing. It’s a battle with myself to understand my limitations and be able to move through and average day like everyone else.

Mah Heart

You know those days where the stress of relationships, jobs, kids, etc and your heart your physical heart just can’t anymore. There isn’t anymore caring, sharing happy motivation stuff left.

I had one of those days… those days where I just couldn’t. I took my sick kiddo to the doctor to find out he had strep… again for the 2nd time in a month. I am under the hardest deadlines with a LOT of money on the line and not enough personnel to finish, so I work, a lot, to try to save my professional reputation without letting my personal life just fall apart.

I couldn’t take my son so school so I worked from home. I cancelled an important meeting and my intern (who has been with us for like a month, I have left floundering and doing his homework). I was down to say the least. I got home and pulled out my computer and my son (who is amazing like all of my kiddos) laid his head in my lap and between e-mails I ran my fingers through his hair.

Then like magic it happened… I got an Instagram notification and an email almost simultaneously.

The email starts like this

Today I want to remind you of something really important.

Whether you’re on the staff or board, you have a dream job. I know it doesn’t always feel like it.

Nonprofits are certainly messy. There’s no denying it. But you get to advocate, to educate, to provide service, and to repair the world in ways big and small. A dream job.

You make a big difference, and the world is counting on you now more than ever.

It seemed silly but I just cried. I do have a dream job. I get an amazing opportunity to change the landscape of southeast Idaho along some of the most AMAZING people I have ever met. I also get to do it with my little blonde baby with strep throat laying on my lap from the comfort of my own home. There are days where I’m on a mountain or in a stream but today, today I get to be home with my son. I couldn’t ask for anything better.

My beautiful body

Those of you who have known me for more than the last 5 years know that I’ve always been moderately to extremely thin.

In 2010 I graduated with my undergrad and weighed 140… the heaviest I had EVER been. I think I cried when I had to buy size 7’s… ugh.  I got divorced and in 2013 had a series of health problems that lead to different medication and rapid weight gain of another 25 pounds. For the last 3 years, I’ve really struggled finding my body anything but repulsive.

Today though, I saw it. I was downstairs in the bathroom at work and we have a dimly lit full length mirror and I looked at this body and I said “Damn, girl!” This body is amazing!

This body has given life to the most amazing people that I’ve ever met. This body houses a kind soul, a beautiful spirit, and a compassionate heart. This body is strong and able to run, play, laugh, and learn. My wrinkles show where I smile and make silly faces with my kids. My body has many scars that tell stories of failure and triumph. I’m still here. I’m still walking, I’m still smiling, I’m still kind and compassionate and looking in the mirror today I showed myself some kindness for the first time in a long time.

I.AM.BEAUTIFUL.

With THIS body and I don’t need to change it to be happy, I don’t need to change it to for approval of others, I don’t need to change it to find worth.

I am happy. I am worthy and I am BEAUTIFUL!

Today’s moment of self-care was important for me. I see my tiny little daughter worry about her weight and her appearance and I helped to create that. I need to look at myself with the same love and care that I look at that beautiful little girl. I get to be her mom and she deserves a mom that loves herself:)

 

Drafted March 8,2017

My Favorite Kid – The things moms say…

My daughter had unknowingly overheard a conversation that I had on the phone one night where I said ” I love both of my kids, but Kaleb (my son) just has something about him.”

Oops…

I wasn’t saying that I loved him more or anything. My kids are different. He’s quiet, and kind and so funny. My daughter is beautiful and strong and more deeply caring than anyone else I know. I was referring to something specific and I wish i had never said it. She’s been holding onto this statement for at least a week now thinking that I didn’t love her as much. Any parent knows that you love your children differently, not more, not less, just different. They are their own individuals and to love them the same would be unfair to the unique spirits that they are.

So… to all the parents that have foot-in-mouth syndrome… You’re not alone…

Original post drafted at least 6 months ago… this is very typical… I have about 30 posts that I haven’t published..hahaha

Why I’m into ‘whatevering’ instead of dating

 

It’s a hard thing to “date” or to have a “boyfriend” at 30 something with kids and a career and all sorts of other things. It seems that a budding relationship starts to overshadow the other really great accomplishments in my life… like I should only care about finding “love” and someone to be with… hence the “whatevering”.

I’ve never heard it more perfectly said before in my life….

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Months at a time I will have a friend that’s a dude that I do boyfriend-ish things with. We’re not really “dating” though. We’re “hanging out.” We’re “kicking it on the weekends.” We’re keeping it so casual I don’t even know if it’s a relationship or not. What does one call such a phenomenon? I personally call it Whatevering. Whatevering is the state between dating and not dating. Signs of Whatevering include a mutual lack of knowledge of exactly what is going on, where a discussion of feelings is avoided at all costs.

This isn’t to say that every relationship has to be either completely platonic or on the marriage track. The place in between is fun! There are all kinds of relationships between serious and nothing at all, including being casual companions or seeing a bunch of people. But when I get stuck Whatevering, it’s not because we’ve both made it clear that we’re not looking for something serious right now. It’s because we’ve worked hard to never make anything at all clear.

Read more at http://hellogiggles.com/on-whatevering-not-dating/

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This leads me to believe that I’m not doing myself or anyone else any favors by “whatevering”. Maybe we should go back to the gradeschool version… I pass a note over coffee that says “Will you be my boyfriend? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’  ”  At least at this juncture both people are on board. The person initiating the note wants to be the other half of the relationship and the person gives a definitive answer.

That being said, I’m not there yet, I convince myself that whoever I’m Whatevering with is just “whatever” and that I lack real feelings so when one or both of us does the famous fade away it doesn’t hurt… we were just whatever. I don’t know if that’s because I don’t want to commit, I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to try, or a combination of all of the above…

Until I figure myself out I guess it’s just… whatever, whatevering…

 

 

12 years

Post was originally drafted September 5, 2015

When I was a teenager I would write in journals… always writing. I have so many journals about my obsession with Hanson, my lunchroom crushes, my constant questions as to whether I was going to get asked to prom, have my first kiss,… meet Hanson…. those things seemed really important to me back then (the Hanson thing is still important.. haha), but one day 12 years ago was a day that changed my life for good and bad reasons. 12 years ago I married my ex husband. I was a month shy of 20 years old. I was SURE that I had made the right decision. I was SURE that fate, the universe, whatever bigger power you believe, brought us together. I can’t say that I was wrong because I have the coolest little girl on the planet because of that relationship

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The relationship ended and a part of me ended with it and in it’s place grew something even more powerful.

I think what’s more important is HOW we navigate those situations not WHAT happens during it. So, with that in mind… if I had the chance to give my little 19 year old self some advice on my wedding day this is probably what it would say…. not that I would have listened to me anyway 😉

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Spend your money. I know this isn’t one that you ever had a problem with, but say yes to those crazy opportunities that only come along a few times in a lifetime. Study abroad, move away for college. Don’t worry about having to eat Ramen for a week. You’re young, you’ll be okay, what won’t be is the regret of not doing something amazing!

It’s not true what they say… your friends from High school and college can be friends for life. You will grow up… and out… and you guys will go through hell together, but when you’ll look around and they’re still there you’ll know that the important thing is that you’re together. You’ll disperse to different parts of the country, chasing boys, careers, dreams and every once in awhile you’ll find yourselves together and you’ll have nights where you’ll get matching tattoos and close down the bar and all will be right again.

Remember this feeling of complete joy. It wont last for long. The joy will fade and life will start to dull your sparkle, but you will be okay. You’ll find peace, you’ll find you again. You’ll laugh harder, you’ll appreciate people and nature and humanity more when you’ve seen more of the things that life can throw at you. It’s going to be a crazy ride, but make sure that you find how to use the life that you’ve been given to help others. That’s where you’ll find you again.

Spend uninterrupted time with your kids. Krystal, I’m still having a hard time with this one…

You only have 18 summers… and the path ahead will greatly reduce that time, so make every second count. They will see your passion for helping others, let them be involved. Let them give their allowance to the guy on the street corner and let them help at volunteer events, it will plant a seed that hopefully be a part of your family’s life for many many years to come.

Cherish the relationships with your family. Sure they are a bowl of crazy, but they’re YOUR crazy. Cherish that they are still with us, that we had those Christmases with the sugar skating rink and the blinking Rudolph. Cherish Chad’s Beaker impression and that Jami loved cheese and gum so much that you have specific memories of both. Cherish the bonds that you’re able to have with the Smith’s and the Wakeman’s and the relationship that ALL of the family has with each other. It’s a rare thing that you were given.

Finally, don’t give up. This life is not an easy one, the strong weren’t meant for their path to be easy. Hang on, take chances, forgive, love.

“And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)”